Review of Mafia Mamma, directed by Catherine Hardwicke

I’m going to shamefully admit this: when I first was hit with the Mafia Mamma trailer in theaters, I actually debated seeing it. I wouldn’t pay money to see this kind of movie because of the fact I have an AMC subscription, which means it would pretty much be on their dime (I definitely oversee movies, which means I’ve basically profited off my subscription at this point).

I thought the movie looked so corny and stupid that I had to see it, which is kind of shameful to admit that this is why I see movies sometimes. We all love some dumb fun sometimes, right?

I didn’t end up seeing it in theaters though. I waited until it came out on DVD, and when I was sitting and doing internship work to wrap up my day one lonely Monday, I decided to pop the Mafia Mamma DVD into the player and see what happened.

And man, this movie was dumb, but it was a wild ride that was perfect to distract me from work.

Here’s my review.

When a mysterious grandfather dies in Italy, Kristen discovers she has inherited the mob.

Our protagonist, and the later proclaimed Mafia Mamma, is Kristen. She’s working as a writer and content marketer of sorts for a beauty company, and after her son has gone off to college, she comes to the realization that her husband is cheating on her.

When she gets a call from Italy telling her her grandfather has died, Kristen, along with her workout group, is excited to realize that this could create the fresh start she’s been seeking after all of this chaos.

So she heads off to Italy to attend the funeral, and soon after landing she finds a man who she’s going to keep an eye on throughout the movie: Lorenzo. He was out shopping with his aunt, as he lives with her, but more on him later. Kristen is picked up by workers of Bianca, the girl who called her about her grandfather, and eventually heads off to the funeral.

But her peace is quickly shattered when the funeral procession is literally shot up, and Kristen sees people around her getting bullets in their skulls and kneecaps.

Bianca reveals then to Kristen she is the consigliere of Kristen’s grandfather’s mafia, and Kristen is set to inherit his empire before anyone else. Kristen tries to leave, but Bianca can be quite persuasive and convinces her to stay and try out the entire mafia thing.

She’s then sent off to meet with the head of a rival family, but the guy seduces her pretty easily and then slips poison in her drink when she’s in the bathroom. So instead of having sex, he gloats about his plan after she drinks it, but she switched their drinks when he wasn’t looking and he dramatically dies.

Meanwhile, there’s internal strife, as one of the members of the family disapproves of Kristen’s unorthodox methods. Kristen actually wants to set up a legit winery, not something they funnel money through illegally.

Kristen’s summoned to a Zoom meeting with her bosses, and while they discuss sexist marketing materials, an assassin tries to murder her while the Zoom camera is on. Somehow, no one sees this, and she’s fired right after because they think she’s drunk.

She then heads off to Lorenzo, who woos her with his spaghetti empire charms, and they sleep together. She then settles into her role as the head of the mafia and decides to take it more seriously, but then her husband shows up with her son.

She decides to leave this gig behind at the next meeting with their rival family, but when an armed situation happens, the cops storm in and bust everyone. Lorenzo and his fake aunt are two of the cops, and Kristen is betrayed to realize he played her this entire time.

Her best friend from the US flies in, gives an epic speech as her lawyer, and then manages to get her free under the guise that it was just a winery.

The witness statements about her kindness vouches for Kristen’s character, and she walks out a free woman. But this movie simply couldn’t end like that, and her husband and son are kidnapped by that vengeful member of the family from before.

Krsiten ends up shoving him into a grinder, which is honestly kind of horrific, then everyone lives happily as she finally commits to the job.

Overall Thoughts

This is a movie that unfolds like a fever dream, and I was here for it. The plot twists and characters are table, but it’s simply so bad at times that it’s kind of funny.

I love Toni Colette and her work, but this simply must’ve been a paycheck for her. I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face when on this set myself.

But it’s also not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, too.

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