Sometimes growing older is accepting to find peace in myself.

Throughout the years, I’ve been in quite a few terrible situations. I know now, with age and reflection, that I should have walked away from several different scenarios before they blew up, but because I didn’t recognize the patterns of what was happening and had the stubborn belief of trying to make things better, they never did end up getting any better.

I realized the other day, when writing this, that I had come a long circle when a former editor I was working with on a literary magazine was randomly being rude to me and withdrew from her position. I had known her for two years, we were friendly, and suddenly she was hostile.

I had the sense to know that it wasn’t me here that had the problems in my life, and so I wished her the best despite not being sure about what was actually going on. She didn’t respond, which I expected, but it was a moment when I realized that I’d responded as best I could in the situation.

Meanwhile, at work, I’ve been dealing with an ongoing situation, but I don’t treat the person involved terribly. I try to be as civil as possible. I’m not a perfect person (and no one is), but I am simply trying my best.

Anyways, here are some the lessons I’ve picked up throughout the years.

Know when to give up and walk away.

There was someone I worked with when starting graduate school who I tried to be friends with. I took her to some places, would text her, and my other friend would even try to invite her to things. Suddenly, in the middle of the spring semester, a switch flipped and she just wouldn’t respond to anything I said and kind of just ignored me.

At first, I was kind of hurt, but figured something might be going on in her life. It was when my friend and I both texted her separately, inviting her to tea, that I realized it was time to walk away. She ghosted both of us.

I still see her every so often, but I walked away from the situation. I treat her with respect and still tell her hello, but throughout the years I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try with certain people or try to make amends, they have to be willing to do the same. And most people, especially in American culture, have a tendency to act on their own self interests.

They’re not thinking about you and what you’re feeling in the situation. I remember I once had a fight with a roommate and when I apologized, she would just accuse it of not being genuine.

People filter things the way they want to see it, and some will manipulate the facts, so you simply need to just walk away in these instances.

Don’t engage when needed.

This is a lesson I’ve cultivated throughout the years. I used to always feel a need to respond to people quickly and thoroughly whenever they messaged me, and that’s been a pretty destructive habit when it comes to toxic people and keeping the peace.

Some people will continue to beat a dead horse and message you even long after the conflict is over, and you shouldn’t feel a need to respond. Especially when there’s conflict, some will be so stubborn they refuse to see the other side or even listen.

For example, with recent world events, a lot of people aren’t willing to change their minds if they’re already deep in one side of rhetoric. There’s a distinct difference between being diplomatic and trying to create dialogue, but when it devolves into insults and the other person clearly doesn’t want to have a conversation, it’s time to step off to the side. You’ve done what you needed to do.

Stick to professionalism.

Diplomatic is a word I used in the previous section, and it really applies to this advice. Think about interacting with some people as a job. If they’re your coworker, you obviously can’t get heated with them or ignore them forever.

Try to keep a straight face and leave certain politics between you when at the workplace (whether it’s real or not—sometimes when talking to people I know are toxic and I can’t walk away from I imagine I’m in a workplace).

You don’t have to like your coworkers or be friends with them. When I first started working in an office setting I thought I had to be friends with my coworkers, especially since I was coming out of COVID. That did not end well once I spotted how they treat other people.

Reflect on patterns so they don’t happen again.

I love being an introvert and an INTJ because I spend a lot of time reflecting on the world and the people who live inside of it, especially when it comes to the interactions I’ve had recently.

I analyze a lot, and because I’ve had the chance to think about everything that’s ever happened to me from a critical angle, and went to therapy a bit, I know the patterns that have a tendency to escalate into situations where I know I’m being taken advantage of or am actively hanging out with a toxic person.

Take some time to think about situations before you go to bed at night, journal, find a therapist you love. It’ll help solidify your path even more.

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