Review of Bullet Train, directed by David Leitch

Many moons ago, when I first reactivated my AMC A List subscription for the first time in forever, I kept seeing the movie Bullet Train pop up on my screen whenever I was looking for a movie to watch.

But back then I had just bought my car and received my license, so any time I drove to the movies, it made me queasy because I hate driving. Granted, nowadays, I ended up conquering that fear because I really have a big itch to watch movies a ridiculous amount of times a week, but when this movie was first in theaters, I stayed far away from it because I didn’t want to spend my gas money on driving to the theater.

When it came onto Netflix months later, that’s when I watched it for the first time. I then wished I had seen it in theaters. Problematic elements of the movie aside, I thought it was right up my alley when it came to the kind of humor used throughout.

I then ended up watching the movie a second time when my friend and I were in our AirBnb in Seattle, as we were to cheap to go outside and experience what kind of nightlife the city had to offer.

Onwards with the review!

On a Japanese bullet train, chaos is afoot as several criminals cross paths and battle in the cars.

Our protagonist in Bullet Train is Brad Pitt’s Ladybug, who really does not want to be on that train to begin with. But before we end up meeting Ladybug, we get a bit of a backstory. There’s a character simply known as The Father, as he’s in search of the man who attacked his son and left him in the hospital.

With that in mind, we discover Ladybug has been given an assignment because the person who was supposed to do it originally called out sick. Real smooth. So he reluctantly boards the train, and he’s supposed to be looking for a briefcase that’s full of cash.

As he wanders the cars and contemplates life, busting out his poor, slightly half-assed Japanese when he runs into the conductor and realizes he dropped his tickets, he spots a familiar face he wishes he probably would’ve never seen again.

Two Brits that work under the codenames of Lemon and Tangerine are aboard the train, and Ladybug has a past with these two. Lemon doesn’t recognize him immediately, which works in Ladybug’s favor, but the briefcase he’s about to steal belongs to them.

At the same time, Lemon and Tangerine are actually transporting a figure known as The Son (Logan Lerman with a really bad Russian accent), who is the son of an influential Russian mobster. When they leave him alone for a bit when they realize the briefcase is gone, The Son is poisoned, as he’s dead and bleeding from his eyes. This is paired with Lemon’s obsession with Thomas the Train Engine, as he makes comparisons to Thomas wherever he goes.

Ladybug tries to leave the train at the next stop, but is stopped by Bad Bunny pretending to be a Mexican gangster called The Wolf. Coincidences are ripe in this movie, as Ladybug happened to be at the guy’s wedding where everyone died except him.

As it turns out, the drinks were poisoned and Ladybug was posing as a waiter handing them out during that operation, so when he is spotted trying to leave the train, The Wolf tries to attack and kill him because he has convinced himself Ladybug was the reason for his despair. He throws his knife at Ladybug, who deflects it, and that’s the end of The Wolf. A truly heroic death.

Lemon and Ladybug then have a fight, especially because Lemon has a hunch that Ladybug ended up stealing the briefcase. When all of this is going on, we cut occasionally to a nefarious British schoolgirl who we know is dangerous pretty early on. She lures in The Father, tying him in to her schemes because she has the cellphone that could end his son’s life in the hospital.

She’s part of the reason why The Father ended up in this situation. In a tense standoff, Lemon ends up getting shot after meeting up with the girl, known as The Prince, and The Father. The Father’s actual father, The Elder, comes onto the train as his son is left in the bloodied bathroom, injured with a seemingly dead Lemon, in search of his son. Ladybug encounters another assassin who tries to poison him, but ends up poisoning herself in quite an anticlimatic manner.

Tangerine realizes The Prince is a snake because Lemon left a Thomas-themed sticker on her before seemingly dying, but before he can shoot her, she convinces Ladybug, who has just entered the scene, that Tangerine is a bad man. Ladybug kills Tangerine, but when The Elder comes across her, he recognizes her voice from a call his son had made. He reveals the guard she sent over his grandson has been killed.

Because nothing is absolutely a coincidence in this movie, and that is proven why later on, The Elder is connected to all of this as well because of how he survived the Russian mafia guy’s takeover of his former clan. While his wife was murdered in that rampage, The Father survived, creating a tighter relationship between the two.

And so we hurtle towards a finale epic battle against the head Russian mafia guy, The Prince, and everyone who’s still alive. Turns out he brought everyone together in order to get revenge against those involved with his wife’s death, but Ladybug wasn’t involved—the guy who he replaced was.

The ensuing fight ruins the train, they crash into a town, and the bad guys are defeated. Best of all, Lemon runs over The Prince with a tangerine truck in revenge.

Overall Thoughts

I think there are vaguely problematic elements on this movie as how Japanese culture is depicted and boiled down to stereotypical elements, but it was pretty entertaining.

The main cast did an excellent job nailing down the darker elements of humor and what goes on in their crazy little world. The fact the movie is contained to a single train is impressive considering how it doesn’t manage to lose steam, and that scene with Channing Tatum is absolutely gold.

It’s an entertaining movie, like I said, but there are things that probably could be cut or edited to make it little more culturally sensitive.

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